Roth Colloquialism Collection

by Bill Roth


This page is a collection of colloquialisms that I have collected across
the years. Most of them come from my family. In general, if a quote or saying
appears without attribution you can assume that it comes within the Roth family.
Note: some of these are mildly scatological, so if you are offended
by kind of thing, then you’d better not read any further.
My taxonomy of these sayings is in flux, if you have any suggestions for
a better organization, please drop me a line at


I will gladly accept contributions to this page. I would ask that you
mail them to me, and provide an attribution,
and country of origin if not the US. The submission criteria are: the material
sent should be original. That is, nothing from Bartlett’s Book of Quotations,
nothing from anyone famous, unless it is obscure. Material of an overt sexual
nature will be rejected. I reserve the right to capriciously reject any submission.
It’s my page, after all.
Finally, a note on pronouns. By default, I will use the masculine pronoun
as the default, not out of sexism, but out of parsimony, and due to the
fact that english has no suitable neuter pronoun.


He’s dumber than a fence post.

He doesn’t have the sense God gave a cinder block.

This one comes under various guises. I have heard it used with a brick
and a turnip as the object.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions
were written on the heel.

He’s doesn’t know “come here” from “sick ’em”.

— Bill Clinton .

    He’s so dumb he thinks a manila folder is a filipino contortionist.

— David Foster Wallace, in Infinite Jest

    He doesn’t have the sense to pound sand in a rat hole.

— Harry S Truman


He’s uglier than a mud fence.

She’s cuter than a bug’s ear.

You’re so tired, your eyes look like two pissholes in the snow.


He’s slower than molasses in January.
Don’t celebrate the hammer because the house got built.

Bill Roth 9/25/97

“Excited Utterances”

Jesus Christ on a crutch!

Oh, for crying in a bucket!

Emotional/Mental States

He’s happier than a pig in shit.

He’s wierder than a $3 bill.

Finer than a frog’s hair!

This is used in response to, “How are you?”

He’s madder than a wet hen.


    Colder than a well-digger’s knee


It takes a hell of a big dog to weigh a ton.

— Ted Skemp

    What’s time to a hog?

— William G. Roth, Sr., usually in reference to “Do you have a minute?”

    Its drier than a popcorn fart

— E.F. Roth

    …hornier than a 3-peckered billy-goat.
    Don’t bait a bear

William G. Roth, Sr.

    Non Escare un’orso.

Italian version of Ibid.


He’s one bubble left of center

— from Rosalie Busch-Roth

He’s to the right of Atilla the Hun


    …as full of Sh** as a christmas goose


    The vice presidency isn’t worth a bucket of warm spit.

— John Nance Gardner.