by Bill Roth
This page is a collection of colloquialisms that I have collected across the years. Most of them come from my family. In general, if a quote or saying appears without attribution you can assume that it comes within the Roth family.
Note: some of these are mildly scatological, so if you are offended by kind of thing, then you'd better not read any further.
My taxonomy of these sayings is in flux, if you have any suggestions for a better organization, please drop me a line at email@example.com.
I will gladly accept contributions to this page. I would ask that you mail them to me, and provide an attribution, and country of origin if not the US. The submission criteria are: the material sent should be original. That is, nothing from Bartlett's Book of Quotations, nothing from anyone famous, unless it is obscure. Material of an overt sexual nature will be rejected. I reserve the right to capriciously reject any submission. It's my page, after all.
Finally, a note on pronouns. By default, I will use the masculine pronoun as the default, not out of sexism, but out of parsimony, and due to the fact that english has no suitable neuter pronoun.
He's dumber than a fence post.
He doesn't have the sense God gave a cinder block.
This one comes under various guises. I have heard it used with a brick and a turnip as the object.
He's so dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
He's doesn't know "come here" from "sick 'em".
-- Bill Clinton .
He's so dumb he thinks a manila folder is a filipino contortionist.
-- David Foster Wallace, in Infinite Jest
He doesn't have the sense to pound sand in a rat hole.
-- Harry S Truman
He's uglier than a mud fence.
She's cuter than a bug's ear.
You're so tired, your eyes look like two pissholes in the snow.
He's slower than molasses in January.
Don't celebrate the hammer because the house got built.
-- Bill Roth 9/25/97
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
Oh, for crying in a bucket!
He's happier than a pig in shit.
He's wierder than a $3 bill.
Finer than a frog's hair!
This is used in response to, "How are you?"
He's madder than a wet hen.
Colder than a well-digger's knee
It takes a hell of a big dog to weigh a ton.
-- Ted Skemp
What's time to a hog?
-- William G. Roth, Sr., usually in reference to "Do you have a minute?"
Its drier than a popcorn fart
-- E.F. Roth
...hornier than a 3-peckered billy-goat.
Don't bait a bear
-- William G. Roth, Sr.
Non Escare un'orso.
Italian version of Ibid.
He's one bubble left of center
-- from Rosalie Busch-Roth
He's to the right of Atilla the Hun
...as full of Sh** as a christmas goose
The vice presidency isn't worth a bucket of warm spit.
-- John Nance Gardner.